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四级范文评论  

2009-12-19 10:55:03|  分类: 翻译写作 |  标签: |举报 |字号 订阅

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如果说开头这句“ I’m very lucky to attend this world-famous university ”该删去,可能有点太苛刻了。毕竟这只是短短一句,而且是它引出了“ but ”后的主题。但是,看看它与主题的关系吧。题目要求“致信校长谈论食堂”,而“我满意名校”于主题并不沾边。汉语中如此开篇引题似无不可,可英语注重开门见山,直入正题,还讲究统一性,与主题无关的内容都要删去。因此说,这句连同“ but ”的转折以及“ but ”的前后对照,都没有太大必要。

受汉语多分句的影响,人们可能会介绍自己“ My name is Li Ming. I am a second-year student. ”这也与主题无关。句子一独立,就有强调意味,且句与句之间关系就不清楚了。解决办法除了删除也可以合并而成一长句,如“ as a second-year student, I ”使主次关系清晰,重点突出。

Firstly, the quality of the dishes should be improved. ”这一段主题句是“应提高菜的质量”,然而下面却是谈“ a lot of ”,“ the same ”,“ variety ”,都关“量”而不关“质”。对照主题句和最后一句总结,可以看出这段话题与结论的错位。

这段中要谈质量差,却说“味美( delicious )” 而且还用“毫无疑问( Undoubtedly )”来引出,前后矛盾。

再退一步 , 假如这段就是谈“菜的花样少” ,那么,用“虽然”、“尽管”、“当然”、“毫无疑问”等引出与“花样”无关的一面,虽周到却不必要。需要重墨展开的是“花样为何少,如何少”,其他面的提及无助于主题的突出。下一段中的“味美( delicious )”又是一例子。可以体会一下多了味美一词,对于“ cheaper 的突出是加强了还是削弱了。

Secondly ”一段没有充分展开。若像有的范文加上一句“ The survey the Student Union carried out last week reveals that on average a student will spend 10 to 12 Yuan on three meals a day.” 说服力是不是就增强了?

最后一点,谈谈关于“ By the way( 顺便一提 ) ”的用法。字典上讲,这个短语看似是要增加不太重要的信息,其实,它却常常用来引入极重要的话题( Although this expression seems to suggest that you are going to add unimportant information, in fact, it is often used to introduce a subject that is really very important )。再就是,常用于口语。

口语中,我们忽然想起一点,可以随时加上。而书面语中,假如这一点很重要,何不重新组织,把它加到正文中去呢。用“ By the way ”来追加这种 afterthought ,让人觉得你没有认真思考组织。这有点相似于书信正文后的附言( P.S. )。一封正式信函比如求职信中,信末加了“又及”加“再及”,会给人一种印象,写信人做事缺少总体计划或不够重视。不被录用也是情理之中的了。

 

附: 02 1 月四级英语作文题及一种范文

Directions: For this part, you are allowed thirty minutes to write a composition on the topic: A Letter to the University President about the Canteen Service on Campus. You should write at least 100 words, and base your composition on the outline given in Chinese below: 

假设你是李明,请你就本校食堂的状况给校长写一封信,内容应涉及食堂的饭菜质量、价格、环境、服务等,可以是表扬,可以是批评建议,也可以兼而有之

January 12th, 2002

Dear Mr. President,

I’m very lucky to attend this world-famous university, but I’m afraid I’m not content with the canteen service on campus.

Firstly, the quality of the dishes should be improved. Undoubtedly, there are a lot of delicious dishes, but all the year round, they are the same. More and more students are complaining about eating the same food each day. So I think the most urgent problem is variety.

Secondly, the price is a bit too high. Many of us hope that the canteen can provide us with not only delicious but also cheaper food.

Finally, the environment is so noisy that we can’t enjoy our meals in good mood. I suggest that there be some soft music to help us relax.

These suggestions are not just of my own, but also of may other students. We hope our respectable president will pay attention to our suggestions.

By the way, the canteen workers are very patient and always smiling. So I think if our university offers them better conditions, they will offer us better service. 

Best wishes,   

                                            Yours sincerely,  


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